When my mom was diagnosed with metastatic cancer in February 2021, I was devastated. Her cancer was described as aggressive based on the fact that x-rays from December showed no cancer, but an MRI in February showed a large tumor on her collarbone. I knew she was going to die, and I didn’t know when, but I knew it would be soon. There were so many things we didn’t get to do. There were so many questions I would have for her in the future, but I couldn’t think of what to ask. I cried non-stop for a week, and not just crying, but sobbing. I would go on longs walks outside down my driveway and just sob so loudly. I felt so utterly hopeless, like I had nothing in life worth looking forward to or living for. It was a helpless feeling. I finally broke down and messaged my primary care doctor telling her my mom had stage four cancer, and I was depressed. She scheduled a phone visit with me and prescribed me Prozac.
Prozac was a lifesaver. I loved it. It took about a week or two to get adjusted to, but my mood improved significantly in just a few days. I had never taken an antidepressant before, so I didn’t know what to expect. It definitely made me feel a little off the first week, kind of like being drunk. I felt like my reflexes were slower and like I had to concentrate harder to do things. Thankfully that feeling went away after two weeks. The only other thing that happened was I just didn’t give a shit. If you know me, you know I already don’t care about many things, but Prozac made me care even less. I was still able to do my job and function well at home, but I really did not care one bit about trivial things. You know those people that sing out loud at work? That’s what it’s like to be on Prozac. Prozac helped me in a way that no amount of therapy or prayer alone could ever match. If you feel that you need help, and a medication is the only way to do it, don’t be ashamed. Antidepressants have such a stigma around them and they shouldn’t. They’re wonderful tools to help people live fulfilling lives and reach their potential.
While Prozac was major in helping me through my grief, the other thing that was instrumental was prayer. My faith has always been strong, but after really thinking about it, my faith has been strengthened immensely. There is no way I could have made it through that hellish time, specifically March and April, without the grace of God. I was raised Christian, Baptist specifically, and have always had a strong relationship with God and been prayerful, but I have never prayed as much as I did in 2021. I have a pretty far commute to and from work, so most of my praying was, and still is, done in the car. I prayed for hope for the future, I prayed for strength for my family to get us through, I prayed for peace and comfort for my mom. Many of my prayers were, “God just please be with us through this.” A lot of the time I didn’t know what to pray for, so I relied on the verse Romans 8:26, “In the same way, the spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the spirit itself intercedes for us in worldless groans.” I had heard the verse before in church, but I couldn’t remember it exactly, but I knew that even if I didn’t know what to pray for, God knew what I needed in those moments. I also knew my family and I had so many people praying for us. It sounds crazy, but I could feel those prayers. They comforted me, they gave me strength on my weak days, and they gave me peace.
After my mom told me I should write a book I brainstormed ideas for what the title should be. One I thought of was Prayers and Prozac because those were the two main things that got me through. That title is super corny and will never be used, but it got me thinking of other things that helped and those were people and perspective. Our family was so fortunate to have had so many people support us during that awful time. One of the key people that helped me through was my soon-to-be mother-in-law, Connie. She checked on me, she gave me space, and she cooked for me and my boyfriend, Anthony, for months. Every night I would come home and Anthony would have a dish or containers full of food from his mom. This allowed me to stop by my parents’ home each night after work and have quality time with them, and it gave me one less thing to worry about each day. She was a Godsend. My friends were amazing and always texted me to check in. My best friend, Clancy, brought an entire Mexican feast to my mom’s house, complete with a pitcher of margaritas. My coworkers and bosses were so understanding and gentle with me at work. And family and friends were always sending cards and gifts, calling, texting, stopping by the house, or sending meals; we felt so loved. So, my advice to anyone grieving or experiencing a loss is there will be people who will let you down who you thought would be there for you, but don’t focus on them, focus on the ones who show up.
The last thing that helped me through was having perspective. My mom had already lost all three of her sisters, so all of my cousins had lost their moms. I was able to have my mom for much longer than almost all of my cousins. I had her for 27 years, and I am so thankful that I got to have her in my life for that long. She was able to see me graduate high school and college, start my career, get my Master’s degree, and watch me meet the love of my life. I am so thankful that she was my mom, and I will never regret all the time I chose to spend with her. I think it’s important to not get perspective confused with toxic positivity. I was still incredibly sad while I was losing my mom, and I miss her immensely every single day, but looking at my cousins showed me that they got through it, and I would too.
BeST,
Brittany
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