Have you ever thought about what you want to happen to you when you die? Not spiritually, but physically? I’ve always thought about this, probably because of my family’s experiences, but not everyone has. I remember asking Anthony early on in our relationship if he wanted to be buried or cremated, and he looked at me like I was crazy. He had never thought about it. Since my Aunt Maureen passed, my mom knew she didn’t want to be buried. The thought of being in the ground weirded her out. She also felt like a physical place where she was, like a gravesite, would become a burden on us. She told us for years she wanted to be cremated, and we could scatter some of her ashes… as long as it wasn’t near water. 😂 My mom never learned to swim.
The typical choices for most people are to be buried or to be cremated. Of course there are some rarer choices, like donating your body to science or being interred in a mausoleum. The thing most people compare between burial and cremation is the difference in cost. Burials are typically more expensive than cremations. Some assume the cost is due to the casket, and you can get a less expensive casket, but another large part of the cost is the burial plot itself. The price of a burial plot will vary widely depending on where you live; rural areas will typically be cheaper and urban areas will be more expensive. The other factor is most people don’t want just one plot. You probably want multiple plots for family members, or at least two for a husband and wife. So, plots that are together will be more expensive than a single plot somewhere. Along with a burial plot and a casket, you also have to factor in embalming, vault, to have the vault opened and closed, and a headstone or marker. The opening and closing and embalming fees are set by the funeral home, so you can “shop around” to see who charges what. The funeral home also may have different types of vaults, like a traditional vault and then a waterproof vault that’s more expensive. There are many places you can order headstones and markers from, so that cost will vary greatly depending on the size, material, and how elaborate it is. Headstones don’t have to be ordered at the time of the burial, they can always be added later.
Cremation consists of fewer costs, so it is typically less expensive. The costs include the cremation itself, transportation to the crematorium if necessary, a cremation casket, and an urn. Not all funeral homes have a crematorium, so that’s why there may be a transportation expense. A cremation casket is basically a box the body goes in before going into the crematorium. It’s required that the body is contained when it is cremated. Our options for a cremation casket was a cardboard box, a wooden box, and a nicer, more expensive wooden box, kind of similar to the vault options. Like headstones and markers, urns also vary greatly in price. Most funeral homes will carry many different styles, but the options are endless if you shop online. You can pick one to honor your loved ones hobbies or likes, or a more stylish one that matches your home decor.
If you’re struggling to make a choice about what you want when you die, I would suggest not thinking about what literally happens to your body. Instead, think about what seems better to you: a headstone in a cemetery, perhaps surround by loved ones, or an urn in someone’s home. Would you prefer a specific place people can come to visit and pay their respects or would you like to have your ashes scattered in one, or maybe several of your favorite places? I think it’s important to remember that it’s just a physical body you’re deciding what to do with - your spirit is everywhere, so whatever you choose will be okay. It’s also much easier if you choose for yourself what you would like, rather than have your loved ones choose for you during an already difficult time. My family was fortunate that my mom had much of her funeral plans decided already, without ever planning her arrangements at the funeral home. She knew she wanted to be cremated, she wrote her own obituary, she chose who she wanted to have a part in her funeral, she met with our minister all ahead of time, and she had a Word document saved on the computer full of info necessary for the funeral home. That all took a huge amount of strength for her to do, and in return was a huge blessing to us. I’ll also add that these decisions are much easier to make and talk about, in my opinion, if you’re not already sick or near death. If you’re healthy, take the time now to discuss these things with your loved ones. I urge you to set up an appointment at the funeral home to plan all of your arrangements, which will be be such a relief to your loved ones when the time comes. If that seems too daunting, put your wishes in writing, so that when the time comes your loved ones don’t have to guess what you would have wanted. Below is a list of things you should include:
- Burial or cremation or other
- casket preference
- headstone preference
- do you want a viewing or visitation
- open casket or closed casket
- songs to be played
- readings to be read
- who will eulogize you
- do you want a minister to do your service
- where will the funeral take place
- will there be a gathering of loved ones after the service
- picture to use for obituary
- things to include in your obituary
- do you want a charity listed for donations in lieu of flowers
- do you want your obituary in the newspaper
It’s important to add that funerals, like many ceremonies, have evolved over time. It’s up to you to do what you would feel honors your loved one. When my aunt Maureen passed her funeral was very traditional and formal. When my aunt Rhonda passed, we had a visitation and a graveside service under the pavilion at the cemetery. For her visitation we brought many of her things that represented her: a wreath made of gardening items, one of her favorite quilts, a Wizard of Oz piece of pottery, and lots of pictures. The same was done for my aunt Teresa, a visitation and a graveside service. For my mom we placed an empty urn that we borrowed from the funeral home, because we didn’t have her ashes back by the time of the visitation and funeral, on a table surrounded by an urn wreath, flower arrangements, and pictures of her. You don’t have to have a funeral and then go to the cemetery, and you don’t have to have a visitation if you don’t want. You can also do the visitation immediately before the funeral or right after. Do what feels right for your loved one.
Before my mom passed our minister, Kevin, asked what we would do with mom’s ashes once she was cremated. I told him we would have three urns and she would be at each of our houses. That seemed so obvious to me, like duh, she’s going home with each of us. It’s like my dad, my sister, and I all knew that without every saying it. So, luckily that decision was easy for us to make. Since she’s passed my sister and I scattered her ashes, along with my cousin Natalie, at our aunts’ gravesites in our hometown. We also scattered some of her ashes, with my dad, at her infant sister’s gravesite in Covington, Virginia. I know she would be happy to have a piece of her with all four of her sisters. Mom currently sits in my living room under my tv, on a table in my sister’s foyer, and on the kitchen counter at my dad’s. It might be weird to some people, having someone’s ashes in your home, but it’s never been weird to me. I like knowing she’s with me. think it’s comforting.
BeST,
Brittany
If you are in the central or northern Virginia area I cannot recommend Storke Funeral Home enough. They took great care of us, not only this time with mom, but also with my aunt Rhonda and aunt Teresa. They will guide you through this process every step of the way.
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